21- the Patient

21- 2004 – The Patient

K visited last month. We had had some differences after and during our Italy trip, according to her, due to my over activity and irritability. Basically she has been my best friend for 40 years i.e. all of my adult life. We have shared our emotional lives in all times of ‘crisis’ no matter what and tried in our capacities to do what we could to comfort each other. She has been a mini mother to me all along.

She expressed her concern for me and my emotional state of ‘some times’ that I had spent with her through the years going way back. Also in view of my father’s illness of which she had been an observer and participant, there could be medical issues. She suggested that I get an objective view, an assessment. All along the last 30 years I used to feel I had mood changes periodically with pre-dominance of depression but no one would consider or agree that they were biological like my father’s.

I agreed. And we met a senior Psychiatrist ‘together’. Dr. Z agreed that I had a ‘Soft Bipolar illness’. He said it was true that I had not had a major episode of depression or elation as defined in the ‘text book’ but I had certainly suffered.
We discussed----my emotional lability sometimes taking me overboard.
He said, it was important that from now on I stayed in a balanced ‘mood state’.

For this I was suggested a ‘Stabilizer’, a chemical molecule or medicine that would keep the Brain Neurotransmitters within limits to prevent excess or depletion, resulting in clinical ‘elation or depression’.

I introspected. I knew, I and only I, was responsible for my life, my ideas and actions.

At times seriously, at times playfully, in spite of taking risks in school, college, jumping fences, literally, I was always able to perform, perform well, always able to laugh and cry.
I thought of the heavily laden emotional decisions I had made in life at various times not afraid of the risks.
I thought of the years of a life where every one saw me involved and active and happy.
I had lived life with energy, creativity and a certain leadership, steering my ship and reaching places.
And yet, there had been the constant stirrings of my ‘mind’,
There always was an awareness of a deeper sadness but I kept ‘going’ in more ways than one.

And then at times, I would feel tired just plain tired of doing and living—I need ‘not have felt so’ and so, tried to cut down, it only helped temporarily---

One evening, I had a good family visit with Jhai, Vikram and his family.
Decided to stay overnight and next morning drove the familiar Bara-khamba and Haley rd. crossing and parked before ‘Diwan Chand X rays’.
Dr. Surinder Aggarwal was a good friend of Babuji but I decided to be ‘me the patient’ rather than his daughter. The place was already crowded. The initial form filling, payment etc. etc---
I lay under the big machines eyeing my insides, upto the bone. I was to be still for 10 minutes-----
---I remembered having brought Babuji here some years ago for a late evening ECG. Of course he had passed away two days later---.

The cellular suddenly rang and I came back under the machine. I had the X RAYS and the Bone density. They were all OK.
I thought of the ACHES, these stupid aches and this stupid TIREDNESS.
Is it my hypochondriasis, ‘rheumatism’, a gene from my Mom? Is it bone, Joint, Muscle, Tendon, Spirit, or a rheumatic soul?
Is it the gene from my Dad?

I thought of some times of, ‘Vagueness, Blankness, Desire less-ness, Stillness, tendency to postpone, certain meaninglessness, a certain fear, lethargy, indifference, forced acceptance of life, clutter all around causing irritation----- ‘

I was holding a sensitive position as President of the Delhi chapter of Private Psychiatry.
Something within was sad, sad that I had to control my Brain from now on with Dr. Z’s help. Me ‘a doctor of the Brain’ for others, me responsible for so many others---.

So I agreed to go on the ‘Stabilizer’.

Veena