23- Jhaiji, my Mother
The Cell Phone buzzed aloud. I looked up and realized, it had not rung all night and said “Thank-you Lord!”
Like other past mornings my mind wandered. It was early outside the window. My steps took me into the Batra Hospital Corridors. Retiring nurses were finishing patient notes consulting each other in whispers. The guards were loitering around keeping awake as were the waking orderlies. Cleaners were doing the cleaning as best as they thought they ought, without getting fired.
Outside, ah! A breath of fresh air, the chirping birds, some still hiding crickets, white puffy clouds in Blueing skies comforting to the soul---.
Walking towards the Park, noticed a big Padlock on the Gate, perhaps the Hospital assumed walking was not good for people and certainly not for ailing patients.
At a little distance on the Left was the Main road with the main Gate. Already a fleet of Cars, buses, Ambulances, Bikes motorized and un-motorized peddled into-----the day.
I turned Right. Sweepers swept the grounds, raising dust, the dust and haze---
Through the haze I remembered entering the corridors of the medical College.
The first sight of the Anatomy hall where bodies lay, rows after rows on marble slabs for our learning. As a new one wheeled inside, Anju had fainted. Then the study of Physiology from the Cockroach, to Frog, to Rat to Dog and finally Man.
The long and winding corridors, the turns and familiar and not so familiar corners of Irwin hospital-the wards, the wards, the rounds, the rounds, the Pathology on the Beds, on Floors, on Benches---
The Chaos, Wheeling chairs, Rushing doors, Blood, Gory blood, life saving Blood—
From Babies born to Shrieking mothers to Shrieking sons of dying dear ones.
I turned around into the swallowing corridors, the life saving corridors of Hope and Despair.
ICU –Outside, the waking and already awake relatives waiting, waiting ----for the Guard to call their name---perhaps to get another prescription life saver, perhaps good news, perhaps bad---
I walked in. Was allowed to sort of wander in and out as and when, by the Guard who knew I was doctor, also daughter of my mother inside—
There was an ‘unquiet quietness’. The gentle and yet hurried scrutiny by the Nurses, male and female. Gadgets, monitors, tubes, fluids, charts, green and white bandages, tapes—
The patients were lumbering, some lying oblivious, some sitting oblivious.
Mother lay in the distance, oblivious to my form in Green gown, mask and quiet steps.
Eyes were closed, pale-looking, ruddy and pale.
Breathing gently through the blankets—50% ventilator now and reduced Vaso-pressors, increased urine output, the monitor more regular, than irregular—the patterns less zigzag.
“Medical parameters improving—but the Septicemia has wrecked the right hand—leave it alone” they said—“wait and watch” they said----
I hoped. I despaired. I walked out. I walked back, “Where to, dear Lord?”
‘A Creaking Stretcher comes through the flapping plastic doors. Fluid running down the plastic bag into the veins, into the Heart—‘
Hopes creaking, feebly hanging on, I entered Room 362. “Aap kee Chai, Madam”
Thank you!
I sipped the insipid Tea, swallowed a Pill, closed my eyes and lay down again.
Jhai, the eldest of 7 sibs was born in Mullapur and Nana Vakilji brought her up in Ludhiana till she was a Metriculate. Married at 18, ‘the fair fashionable’ bride from the city of Punjab was welcomed in the Rural Haveli of Gumthala in Haryana.
Whilst she had to be a submissive housewife, she certainly had her ‘Saas-Bahu’ protests with my Dadi who had been possessive of Babuji, her only off-spring.
After Babuji’s demise Jhai lived with Vikram and wife Mita for 20 years, but now, more a subtle ‘controller’ than ‘controlled’. The ‘Saas-Bahu’ equation reversed and Mita bore the brunt. For me personally, she helped in my re-settlement in Delhi, financially and otherwise, knowing that Babuji also would have wished so.
Back at Batra ICU, she was now, stuck between the ventilator and the monitors. She stayed un-conscious with the Heart beating feebly. Her demise was not easy for her.
Neither was it easy for all of us as it involved lot of tough emotions and decisions of responsibility at various points of her suffering during the last days.
Well, both Jhai and Babuji are no more. But we carry their Genes forwards.
They have given us the Best Education and made us into capable human beings.
They have given us Security both Material and Emotional on which we and our children can live lavishly and comfortably for all of our lives.
They have also imbibed in us values, morals and a sense of Freedom and Confidence to conduct our lives.
There is a strange void now. The walls of their house that felt as the Womb where we were conceived and the bed where I could put my head and instantly go into a peaceful slumber does not embed us any more.
I know, we, my generation and the next, shall continue to support each other in good and bad times and after this time of ‘crisis’, stay supportive and together. May God bestow us with strength in carrying our family into the future with integrity and a rightful purpose!
Veena
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
22- The 60s
22- The 60s
Hotel Citade-de- Goa
‘It is Five star deluxe in every way, my friend VG left me yesterday to fly back to New York. I decided to stay some more to soak it all in.
The room is perfect with a large bay window looking on to the Sea. With cushions, pillows and a chair with stool, for aching legs, I feel IN as well as OUT of the Sea. You see the TIDES and you hear the TIDES right from here.
A minute ago I stood there, the SAND giving way to my feet. The tide seemed powerful, building as it came, and then giving a little push it fragmented and broke into bubbles and foam, receding back as if in ‘defeat to try again and the again’ leaving a line of salt, in protest. Strong as it seemed, the Sea stood there. I was free to stay or not.
Boats, small ships, a ferry, divers, Black rocks and interspersed bungalows were on the other side. Turning around, the Citade-de was majestic, sprawling the ‘CANVASS’, Coconut Palms rising from its midst and around, bending towards the ocean, reminding me of Arundhati’s ‘God of small things’. In the evening, soft western music fills the air and a platter of Goan, Indian, Chinese and continental food, people and Vernaculars abound.’
I had started taking the ‘Mood Stabilizer’ which curbed my energies to some degree.
Although I continued work, it began to often ‘feel’ a Burden on my mind. Depressed patients would make me depressed and Psychotics drained me. Dr. Gupta joined the ‘Practice’. He was energetic and increased the number of patients; also looking after them more. We got along but he was young and gradually, decided to build his own private set up and moved on.
In the mean time, the Male Nurse Surinder who had learnt, working with the difficult, often confused, violent, suicidal or un-co-operative admitted patients obtained a regular full time Govt. Job at Ranchi Mental Hospital. He had been with me for many years, working diligently, in his soft dignified and caring manner. By now he had himself gotten married and acquired 2 children. This new permanent Job with its ‘perks’ in the beautiful hill town of Ranchi, was too much to let go, and he also moved on.
All this gradually kept dis-heartening me. Outside world would still see me as the same energetic, dynamic Psychiatrist but within I was slowly and subtly feeling weaker.
I took a vacation in the summer of 2005 to go and see Divya, Anna and Craig in USA. She herself was going through her own issues. I returned disturbed.
It was at this time in 2006; I finally decided to close down my Inpatient unit at Samvedna. Nurse Jini who was also able to use the computer stayed on.
By now I was sort of comfortable with ‘the Windows’, the ‘Hot instant mails’, surfing, Googling and ‘Yahooing’ with friends and colleagues in the virtual e-Groups sitting in the comfort of my home. With Jini’s help we started computing some of my earlier and present ‘Out patient work’.
Although initially, I was not sure I was happy having done so but I certainly felt a relief and less burdened. The excitement and challenge of ‘care for acutely sick’ patients was now missing.
Out patients are a chronic lot. They become attached and dependent and their security is in you. At times this in itself becomes too much to handle. At other times this gives the drive and the motivation to go on. Each patient who had been under my care for years occupied a special chamber in my brain, of which they seemed a permanent part. There were even families where 3 consecutive generations had been in treatment. Gradually I started referring children and adolescents to the Child Psychiatrists and Drug and Alcohol dependents to the rehab programs. The nature of my clients began to change from the ‘sicker’ to ‘healthier’ others seeking solutions to daily living, problem careers, marriages, relationships and other types needing more therapy.
Dr. Rajesh again assigned me another role to be a co-chair person of the ‘Art of psychiatry’.
He thought I was the right person because of my ‘psycho-dynamically oriented and psycho- therapeutic training and approach’. How much of the dynamism was left in me, who could answer ???
It was perhaps 50 years ago, Mrs Ramsden, my English Teacher was leaving School to go abroad. In my Autograph book she wrote a line, “-----Veena you can be a leader too, inculcate this quality in yourself”.
Well it happened from time to time, without my doing too much about it.
In USA- Cincinnati I became the Chief Resident of My Psychiatry program.
In Birmingham I was the President of the Indian Association.
And now the President of Ind. Association of Private Psychiatry- Delhi
I do not want to be President of any thing any more. I am actually tired !!!
I live alone.
I have been accused of a ‘dictatorial’ streak in me.
I believe this to be true and responsible for me being ‘alone’.
It is hard to compromise if I ‘truly do not believe’ in some thing.
It has been hard to fight to survive as a ‘woman’.
I know many other women share the feeling and also fight.
I know also, many men ‘do not understand’, even those who love you and would ‘die for you’--
Is this ‘a madness’ on my part to ‘choose’ to live alone ?
Or is this a Rational reality to cope with that Dictatorial streak ?
In my character, is it a strength or a weakness ???
Son Karan was awarded the top ‘India times BPO emerging company of the year award 2008’ for outstanding performance in the young entrepreneur category.
I can surely take some credit for it.
Now I am a grand mother of Karan’s 2 boys and Divya’s daughter and Member of the Senior citizens forum. Life is going at a relaxed pace with less work, an ongoing group of friends
and close supportive family.
I also met Anil and struck a friendship. He is a widower having lost his wife some years ago to Cancer. He is a gentle and simple man of integrity, sense of humor and easy habits to get along with. We have some things in common and can share a bit of life. We also have our differences in that ‘Brain chemistry’ as it is called, but mostly, he goes along with me, which makes it all worth its while.
So I guess I can summarize and say, finally, I am taking life slow and easy, as it comes every day and trying to keep my ‘stability’.
Veena
Hotel Citade-de- Goa
‘It is Five star deluxe in every way, my friend VG left me yesterday to fly back to New York. I decided to stay some more to soak it all in.
The room is perfect with a large bay window looking on to the Sea. With cushions, pillows and a chair with stool, for aching legs, I feel IN as well as OUT of the Sea. You see the TIDES and you hear the TIDES right from here.
A minute ago I stood there, the SAND giving way to my feet. The tide seemed powerful, building as it came, and then giving a little push it fragmented and broke into bubbles and foam, receding back as if in ‘defeat to try again and the again’ leaving a line of salt, in protest. Strong as it seemed, the Sea stood there. I was free to stay or not.
Boats, small ships, a ferry, divers, Black rocks and interspersed bungalows were on the other side. Turning around, the Citade-de was majestic, sprawling the ‘CANVASS’, Coconut Palms rising from its midst and around, bending towards the ocean, reminding me of Arundhati’s ‘God of small things’. In the evening, soft western music fills the air and a platter of Goan, Indian, Chinese and continental food, people and Vernaculars abound.’
I had started taking the ‘Mood Stabilizer’ which curbed my energies to some degree.
Although I continued work, it began to often ‘feel’ a Burden on my mind. Depressed patients would make me depressed and Psychotics drained me. Dr. Gupta joined the ‘Practice’. He was energetic and increased the number of patients; also looking after them more. We got along but he was young and gradually, decided to build his own private set up and moved on.
In the mean time, the Male Nurse Surinder who had learnt, working with the difficult, often confused, violent, suicidal or un-co-operative admitted patients obtained a regular full time Govt. Job at Ranchi Mental Hospital. He had been with me for many years, working diligently, in his soft dignified and caring manner. By now he had himself gotten married and acquired 2 children. This new permanent Job with its ‘perks’ in the beautiful hill town of Ranchi, was too much to let go, and he also moved on.
All this gradually kept dis-heartening me. Outside world would still see me as the same energetic, dynamic Psychiatrist but within I was slowly and subtly feeling weaker.
I took a vacation in the summer of 2005 to go and see Divya, Anna and Craig in USA. She herself was going through her own issues. I returned disturbed.
It was at this time in 2006; I finally decided to close down my Inpatient unit at Samvedna. Nurse Jini who was also able to use the computer stayed on.
By now I was sort of comfortable with ‘the Windows’, the ‘Hot instant mails’, surfing, Googling and ‘Yahooing’ with friends and colleagues in the virtual e-Groups sitting in the comfort of my home. With Jini’s help we started computing some of my earlier and present ‘Out patient work’.
Although initially, I was not sure I was happy having done so but I certainly felt a relief and less burdened. The excitement and challenge of ‘care for acutely sick’ patients was now missing.
Out patients are a chronic lot. They become attached and dependent and their security is in you. At times this in itself becomes too much to handle. At other times this gives the drive and the motivation to go on. Each patient who had been under my care for years occupied a special chamber in my brain, of which they seemed a permanent part. There were even families where 3 consecutive generations had been in treatment. Gradually I started referring children and adolescents to the Child Psychiatrists and Drug and Alcohol dependents to the rehab programs. The nature of my clients began to change from the ‘sicker’ to ‘healthier’ others seeking solutions to daily living, problem careers, marriages, relationships and other types needing more therapy.
Dr. Rajesh again assigned me another role to be a co-chair person of the ‘Art of psychiatry’.
He thought I was the right person because of my ‘psycho-dynamically oriented and psycho- therapeutic training and approach’. How much of the dynamism was left in me, who could answer ???
It was perhaps 50 years ago, Mrs Ramsden, my English Teacher was leaving School to go abroad. In my Autograph book she wrote a line, “-----Veena you can be a leader too, inculcate this quality in yourself”.
Well it happened from time to time, without my doing too much about it.
In USA- Cincinnati I became the Chief Resident of My Psychiatry program.
In Birmingham I was the President of the Indian Association.
And now the President of Ind. Association of Private Psychiatry- Delhi
I do not want to be President of any thing any more. I am actually tired !!!
I live alone.
I have been accused of a ‘dictatorial’ streak in me.
I believe this to be true and responsible for me being ‘alone’.
It is hard to compromise if I ‘truly do not believe’ in some thing.
It has been hard to fight to survive as a ‘woman’.
I know many other women share the feeling and also fight.
I know also, many men ‘do not understand’, even those who love you and would ‘die for you’--
Is this ‘a madness’ on my part to ‘choose’ to live alone ?
Or is this a Rational reality to cope with that Dictatorial streak ?
In my character, is it a strength or a weakness ???
Son Karan was awarded the top ‘India times BPO emerging company of the year award 2008’ for outstanding performance in the young entrepreneur category.
I can surely take some credit for it.
Now I am a grand mother of Karan’s 2 boys and Divya’s daughter and Member of the Senior citizens forum. Life is going at a relaxed pace with less work, an ongoing group of friends
and close supportive family.
I also met Anil and struck a friendship. He is a widower having lost his wife some years ago to Cancer. He is a gentle and simple man of integrity, sense of humor and easy habits to get along with. We have some things in common and can share a bit of life. We also have our differences in that ‘Brain chemistry’ as it is called, but mostly, he goes along with me, which makes it all worth its while.
So I guess I can summarize and say, finally, I am taking life slow and easy, as it comes every day and trying to keep my ‘stability’.
Veena
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
21- the Patient
21- 2004 – The Patient
K visited last month. We had had some differences after and during our Italy trip, according to her, due to my over activity and irritability. Basically she has been my best friend for 40 years i.e. all of my adult life. We have shared our emotional lives in all times of ‘crisis’ no matter what and tried in our capacities to do what we could to comfort each other. She has been a mini mother to me all along.
She expressed her concern for me and my emotional state of ‘some times’ that I had spent with her through the years going way back. Also in view of my father’s illness of which she had been an observer and participant, there could be medical issues. She suggested that I get an objective view, an assessment. All along the last 30 years I used to feel I had mood changes periodically with pre-dominance of depression but no one would consider or agree that they were biological like my father’s.
I agreed. And we met a senior Psychiatrist ‘together’. Dr. Z agreed that I had a ‘Soft Bipolar illness’. He said it was true that I had not had a major episode of depression or elation as defined in the ‘text book’ but I had certainly suffered.
We discussed----my emotional lability sometimes taking me overboard.
He said, it was important that from now on I stayed in a balanced ‘mood state’.
For this I was suggested a ‘Stabilizer’, a chemical molecule or medicine that would keep the Brain Neurotransmitters within limits to prevent excess or depletion, resulting in clinical ‘elation or depression’.
I introspected. I knew, I and only I, was responsible for my life, my ideas and actions.
At times seriously, at times playfully, in spite of taking risks in school, college, jumping fences, literally, I was always able to perform, perform well, always able to laugh and cry.
I thought of the heavily laden emotional decisions I had made in life at various times not afraid of the risks.
I thought of the years of a life where every one saw me involved and active and happy.
I had lived life with energy, creativity and a certain leadership, steering my ship and reaching places.
And yet, there had been the constant stirrings of my ‘mind’,
There always was an awareness of a deeper sadness but I kept ‘going’ in more ways than one.
And then at times, I would feel tired just plain tired of doing and living—I need ‘not have felt so’ and so, tried to cut down, it only helped temporarily---
One evening, I had a good family visit with Jhai, Vikram and his family.
Decided to stay overnight and next morning drove the familiar Bara-khamba and Haley rd. crossing and parked before ‘Diwan Chand X rays’.
Dr. Surinder Aggarwal was a good friend of Babuji but I decided to be ‘me the patient’ rather than his daughter. The place was already crowded. The initial form filling, payment etc. etc---
I lay under the big machines eyeing my insides, upto the bone. I was to be still for 10 minutes-----
---I remembered having brought Babuji here some years ago for a late evening ECG. Of course he had passed away two days later---.
The cellular suddenly rang and I came back under the machine. I had the X RAYS and the Bone density. They were all OK.
I thought of the ACHES, these stupid aches and this stupid TIREDNESS.
Is it my hypochondriasis, ‘rheumatism’, a gene from my Mom? Is it bone, Joint, Muscle, Tendon, Spirit, or a rheumatic soul?
Is it the gene from my Dad?
I thought of some times of, ‘Vagueness, Blankness, Desire less-ness, Stillness, tendency to postpone, certain meaninglessness, a certain fear, lethargy, indifference, forced acceptance of life, clutter all around causing irritation----- ‘
I was holding a sensitive position as President of the Delhi chapter of Private Psychiatry.
Something within was sad, sad that I had to control my Brain from now on with Dr. Z’s help. Me ‘a doctor of the Brain’ for others, me responsible for so many others---.
So I agreed to go on the ‘Stabilizer’.
Veena
K visited last month. We had had some differences after and during our Italy trip, according to her, due to my over activity and irritability. Basically she has been my best friend for 40 years i.e. all of my adult life. We have shared our emotional lives in all times of ‘crisis’ no matter what and tried in our capacities to do what we could to comfort each other. She has been a mini mother to me all along.
She expressed her concern for me and my emotional state of ‘some times’ that I had spent with her through the years going way back. Also in view of my father’s illness of which she had been an observer and participant, there could be medical issues. She suggested that I get an objective view, an assessment. All along the last 30 years I used to feel I had mood changes periodically with pre-dominance of depression but no one would consider or agree that they were biological like my father’s.
I agreed. And we met a senior Psychiatrist ‘together’. Dr. Z agreed that I had a ‘Soft Bipolar illness’. He said it was true that I had not had a major episode of depression or elation as defined in the ‘text book’ but I had certainly suffered.
We discussed----my emotional lability sometimes taking me overboard.
He said, it was important that from now on I stayed in a balanced ‘mood state’.
For this I was suggested a ‘Stabilizer’, a chemical molecule or medicine that would keep the Brain Neurotransmitters within limits to prevent excess or depletion, resulting in clinical ‘elation or depression’.
I introspected. I knew, I and only I, was responsible for my life, my ideas and actions.
At times seriously, at times playfully, in spite of taking risks in school, college, jumping fences, literally, I was always able to perform, perform well, always able to laugh and cry.
I thought of the heavily laden emotional decisions I had made in life at various times not afraid of the risks.
I thought of the years of a life where every one saw me involved and active and happy.
I had lived life with energy, creativity and a certain leadership, steering my ship and reaching places.
And yet, there had been the constant stirrings of my ‘mind’,
There always was an awareness of a deeper sadness but I kept ‘going’ in more ways than one.
And then at times, I would feel tired just plain tired of doing and living—I need ‘not have felt so’ and so, tried to cut down, it only helped temporarily---
One evening, I had a good family visit with Jhai, Vikram and his family.
Decided to stay overnight and next morning drove the familiar Bara-khamba and Haley rd. crossing and parked before ‘Diwan Chand X rays’.
Dr. Surinder Aggarwal was a good friend of Babuji but I decided to be ‘me the patient’ rather than his daughter. The place was already crowded. The initial form filling, payment etc. etc---
I lay under the big machines eyeing my insides, upto the bone. I was to be still for 10 minutes-----
---I remembered having brought Babuji here some years ago for a late evening ECG. Of course he had passed away two days later---.
The cellular suddenly rang and I came back under the machine. I had the X RAYS and the Bone density. They were all OK.
I thought of the ACHES, these stupid aches and this stupid TIREDNESS.
Is it my hypochondriasis, ‘rheumatism’, a gene from my Mom? Is it bone, Joint, Muscle, Tendon, Spirit, or a rheumatic soul?
Is it the gene from my Dad?
I thought of some times of, ‘Vagueness, Blankness, Desire less-ness, Stillness, tendency to postpone, certain meaninglessness, a certain fear, lethargy, indifference, forced acceptance of life, clutter all around causing irritation----- ‘
I was holding a sensitive position as President of the Delhi chapter of Private Psychiatry.
Something within was sad, sad that I had to control my Brain from now on with Dr. Z’s help. Me ‘a doctor of the Brain’ for others, me responsible for so many others---.
So I agreed to go on the ‘Stabilizer’.
Veena
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