22- The 60s

22- The 60s

Hotel Citade-de- Goa
‘It is Five star deluxe in every way, my friend VG left me yesterday to fly back to New York. I decided to stay some more to soak it all in.
The room is perfect with a large bay window looking on to the Sea. With cushions, pillows and a chair with stool, for aching legs, I feel IN as well as OUT of the Sea. You see the TIDES and you hear the TIDES right from here.

A minute ago I stood there, the SAND giving way to my feet. The tide seemed powerful, building as it came, and then giving a little push it fragmented and broke into bubbles and foam, receding back as if in ‘defeat to try again and the again’ leaving a line of salt, in protest. Strong as it seemed, the Sea stood there. I was free to stay or not.

Boats, small ships, a ferry, divers, Black rocks and interspersed bungalows were on the other side. Turning around, the Citade-de was majestic, sprawling the ‘CANVASS’, Coconut Palms rising from its midst and around, bending towards the ocean, reminding me of Arundhati’s ‘God of small things’. In the evening, soft western music fills the air and a platter of Goan, Indian, Chinese and continental food, people and Vernaculars abound.’

I had started taking the ‘Mood Stabilizer’ which curbed my energies to some degree.

Although I continued work, it began to often ‘feel’ a Burden on my mind. Depressed patients would make me depressed and Psychotics drained me. Dr. Gupta joined the ‘Practice’. He was energetic and increased the number of patients; also looking after them more. We got along but he was young and gradually, decided to build his own private set up and moved on.

In the mean time, the Male Nurse Surinder who had learnt, working with the difficult, often confused, violent, suicidal or un-co-operative admitted patients obtained a regular full time Govt. Job at Ranchi Mental Hospital. He had been with me for many years, working diligently, in his soft dignified and caring manner. By now he had himself gotten married and acquired 2 children. This new permanent Job with its ‘perks’ in the beautiful hill town of Ranchi, was too much to let go, and he also moved on.
All this gradually kept dis-heartening me. Outside world would still see me as the same energetic, dynamic Psychiatrist but within I was slowly and subtly feeling weaker.

I took a vacation in the summer of 2005 to go and see Divya, Anna and Craig in USA. She herself was going through her own issues. I returned disturbed.

It was at this time in 2006; I finally decided to close down my Inpatient unit at Samvedna. Nurse Jini who was also able to use the computer stayed on.
By now I was sort of comfortable with ‘the Windows’, the ‘Hot instant mails’, surfing, Googling and ‘Yahooing’ with friends and colleagues in the virtual e-Groups sitting in the comfort of my home. With Jini’s help we started computing some of my earlier and present ‘Out patient work’.

Although initially, I was not sure I was happy having done so but I certainly felt a relief and less burdened. The excitement and challenge of ‘care for acutely sick’ patients was now missing.
Out patients are a chronic lot. They become attached and dependent and their security is in you. At times this in itself becomes too much to handle. At other times this gives the drive and the motivation to go on. Each patient who had been under my care for years occupied a special chamber in my brain, of which they seemed a permanent part. There were even families where 3 consecutive generations had been in treatment. Gradually I started referring children and adolescents to the Child Psychiatrists and Drug and Alcohol dependents to the rehab programs. The nature of my clients began to change from the ‘sicker’ to ‘healthier’ others seeking solutions to daily living, problem careers, marriages, relationships and other types needing more therapy.

Dr. Rajesh again assigned me another role to be a co-chair person of the ‘Art of psychiatry’.
He thought I was the right person because of my ‘psycho-dynamically oriented and psycho- therapeutic training and approach’. How much of the dynamism was left in me, who could answer ???

It was perhaps 50 years ago, Mrs Ramsden, my English Teacher was leaving School to go abroad. In my Autograph book she wrote a line, “-----Veena you can be a leader too, inculcate this quality in yourself”.

Well it happened from time to time, without my doing too much about it.
In USA- Cincinnati I became the Chief Resident of My Psychiatry program.
In Birmingham I was the President of the Indian Association.
And now the President of Ind. Association of Private Psychiatry- Delhi

I do not want to be President of any thing any more. I am actually tired !!!

I live alone.
I have been accused of a ‘dictatorial’ streak in me.
I believe this to be true and responsible for me being ‘alone’.
It is hard to compromise if I ‘truly do not believe’ in some thing.
It has been hard to fight to survive as a ‘woman’.
I know many other women share the feeling and also fight.
I know also, many men ‘do not understand’, even those who love you and would ‘die for you’--

Is this ‘a madness’ on my part to ‘choose’ to live alone ?
Or is this a Rational reality to cope with that Dictatorial streak ?
In my character, is it a strength or a weakness ???

Son Karan was awarded the top ‘India times BPO emerging company of the year award 2008’ for outstanding performance in the young entrepreneur category.
I can surely take some credit for it.

Now I am a grand mother of Karan’s 2 boys and Divya’s daughter and Member of the Senior citizens forum. Life is going at a relaxed pace with less work, an ongoing group of friends
and close supportive family.

I also met Anil and struck a friendship. He is a widower having lost his wife some years ago to Cancer. He is a gentle and simple man of integrity, sense of humor and easy habits to get along with. We have some things in common and can share a bit of life. We also have our differences in that ‘Brain chemistry’ as it is called, but mostly, he goes along with me, which makes it all worth its while.

So I guess I can summarize and say, finally, I am taking life slow and easy, as it comes every day and trying to keep my ‘stability’.

Veena