17- Delhi- Family Still

17-Delhi- Family Still

“Dear Rakesh,
This is an emotion I can only share with you although we no longer share our lives.
Karan just left in his Fiat car to go for the interview for admission for his MBA at Ahmedabad. He was dressed in a blue blazer, grey pants, red tie – looked smart, slightly clumsy with a Folder file of certificates of honor in one hand and jug of water in the other, for the engine of the car. A tear rolled down with “pride”. He has been called by all 4 leading Institutes of Management of India.
The tear took me back 19 years. The first day I had taken him to the day school in London when he was still in diapers 18 months old, big heavy shoes on his tiny “flat” feet, cute curly hair – he had cried when I left him and I cried on the way, back to Edgware, our home then.
I also remembered July ’84, his first day at Delhi Public School, class 6, when he stood in rows and rows of kids under the scorching Sun. I was peeping from the big Iron railing outside, tears flowing, wondering if my boy will be o.k.
Of course our boy has done ‘O.K.’ He has passed every test with honors – he truly is ‘gifted’ like he was in grade 2 in Mountain brook Elementary, where you and I were called by the teacher to put him in the special gifted children’s class!! And then he proved his mettle when he got selected for every Ivy League college he applied in U.S.A. after school, and now this morning – in his quiet dignified style he has done it again.”

I had lived alone for 10 years. It had been the life of a single woman and parent.
The main focus had been Karan. He had been adjusting to the change I subjected him to. The first year in School was tough speaking a different language and even English i.e. was American and not Oxford or Indian. He felt much better in the 11th after he got his subjects of choice and then friends of his choice. Hindu College was where he really came into his elements and further made thicker friends including his present wife.
Later his name was on the Scholars Golden board for being the only Delhi boy who got into all 4 institutes of Management. Well so he became an Ahmedabad grad. Which they say is like Harvard from USA. I feel proud of that even today, as the switch had not been easy for him and proud of myself for watching over him, growing here.

For him, I had kept a dog, so he would take her responsibility which never happened of course. Zoya the dog became my companion instead. She took care of my security, kept the flat lively with her Bark and her wagging tail. She lived long and like all dog people was the most loyal to me.

With Rakesh, there were some years of low communication which carried subtle bitterness on both sides. I then made an effort at being friendly for the sake of our children and he reciprocated. We then remained decent and at times even affectionate, sharing meeting and parting ‘hugs’ which was an annual affair. There was mutual sharing about Karan and Divya and ‘other family’, mine loving him and his loving me. His ‘Alcohol abuse’ had worsened but he was able to maintain himself professionally.

Talking about ‘family’, although there was opposition about my decision to return, once I came back there was total support from them in every kind of way. It was to my father’s protest that I had rented my own Barsati flat and chose to live by myself with Karan. His health of course deteriorated and soon he left us. Till today I am grateful to God for my return, so I, at least had ‘some time’ to spend with him.

In strange ways, my parents, their parents, my extended family put me in a pivotal position. In ways, I think I influenced all and we were therapeutic to each other.

Divya graduated from Mountain Brook Senior School and chose to go to Mobile to pursue Art in the Univ. of Alabama. Rakesh continued to stay in Birmingham and provided what support he could under difficult circumstances. Although over time, she was mothering him more emotionally, than he fathering her.
She did well and met Craig Stephens also in the field of Art and they continued the relationship till her Marriage to him at age 28. She worked for many years at QMS as a Graphic designer seriously and diligently till she had Anna at the age of 34.
I was spending 4-8 wks. with her every year, either me going there or she coming to India. Also tried to maintain cordiality with Rakesh and spend some time together as ‘family’ including Karan.

In spite of this I could never get rid of my guilt about leaving her or she, her resentment and anger for the same and jealousy towards Karan who got to live with me. All this was understandable and whilst each visit, I tried working on it, sooner or later she would blow up and it would leave us both in tears and pain. It certainly got better after she herself became a parent.

After Babuji’s demise, there was a significant shift at Firozeshah, which by now had become the new parental ‘address’. JhaiJi, my mother who had been conservative, submissive and passive felt ‘the head’ and so stronger. Shashi and I, the elder sisters took charge at the Physical and emotional levels. Vikram became the ‘Man’ in charge of most financial and other practical decisions which mother would usually sanction after begrudging him a little to us. Youngest sister Sunita lived close by and they mutually took care of daily little needs. Mita, ‘the daughter-in-law’ actually felt ‘so’ to my mother, which was tough for them both and all of us.

Personally, Vikram took my father’s place and I began to rely more on him. Overall he grew, wiser, mature, responsible and dependable. He constantly helped me in my struggles to settle as a single woman, parent and professional, for the remaining years and became the strong net that held me in visible and invisible ways.

Veena